oh yes. and i feel very bad D: because i really don't think i deserved CAP that much.
i mean i know that i worked really really hard, it's one of those things that i flung myself into and worked and wanted so badly, and i actually got it.
but i think charlotte deserved it the most; i think enting deserved it more than me, lots more; i think kylie has so much more talent than me; i think carissa has a clearer voice, and i think tessa has a clearer voice than me too.
as in, i feel really bad whenever i walk past any of them now. i feel like this big traitor who got into CAP and i didn't deserve it. and i feel sorry!
haiyah. and also people keep like asking me HUH WHAT ENTING/CHARLOTTE/KYLIE DIDN'T GET IN like it makes me feel like i didn't deserve it. and people like crack jokes about me getting in.
i feel very sad when that happens, i feel like i'm a crappy writer who only got a place in CAP out of the judges' sympathy and that i stole my friends' places.
i. feel. dispirited.
maybe i just set my expectations too high?
well, in some sense. i think i wanted people to be happy for me. i don't like being happy for myself, i think if my friends were happy for me, i would be happier.
i am such a pathetic asshole weirdo, and i bet some random people will read this and think: oh what a hypocrite this girl is, why is she saying all this she might as well relinquish her place right.
i am such a traitor.
i am such a hypocrite traitor.
i am such a bitchy hypocrite traitor.
i am such a bitchy hypocrite ungrateful traitor. well, actually i'm not ungrateful, but still.
i am such a mean selfish bitchy hypocrite ungrateful traitor with no life. i hate myself.
i want someone to make me feel better. and happy. somehow. but i bet apart from Q nobody is going to cheer me up.
i am such a big poser failure with no life and no friends.
i bet secretly, the world like says i don't deserve this place behind my back. because i don't. and i don't have a low self esteem, i guess i'm just very unsure. oh man.
yesterday when i saw carissa and i didn't tell her about CAP i felt so mean and selfish. and then charlotte was upset for the whole of today because i think she knew about CAP, i feel terrible for not telling them the news but if i told them i would've felt more terrible.
but then again, i think i did my mom proud that i got into CAP :D without all her encouragement and love and support i wouldn't have.
i love my mom :)
haih. tag! D:

//EDIT
you know what.
the only person in this whole world, whom i explicitly trust, love unconditionally, and can be fully natural/generous/me-ish with.
is sarah quek.
duh right!
i think i feel about Q the way kylie liu feels about teck?
yes. i love you Q! <33 )
uhm uhm actually i would feel the same about vi too, but the last time i saw vi was like LAST YEAR. sigh.
i miss vi.
i want someone to depend on.